Postmodern classic?

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Conflicts, v 6.23 (update prior to next movement)

I am quite conflicted at the moment. Life in progress... everything changing from week to week. It's quite uncertain at the moment where I will be at the end of next month, and I don't like that feeling too much. In some ways, it makes me happy that I am returning to a warzone, where the conditions on the ground resemble the turmoil currently rumbling through my head. The prices are high but the payoff is big.

The code of the warrior means you must make difficult decisions without regret. Achieving the objective with full awareness and responsibility for the consequences of your actions (not the same thing). And you must treat your life in the same manner. Easier said than done.

Like most people, one of the major conflicts in my life revolves around sustaining the material ends of my life through the aquisition of money. And my recent job is clearly a part of that- even if my savings will be mostly wiped out by Uncle Sam to back-taxes if I return early. I didn't go over there for the money, but now that I have some I don't want to piss it away- a problem at the heart of many political debates. Another time for that, because the more I think of it the more I am ready to go/come back. You have to be on your toes out there, the guys who compromise themselves for the paycheck risk too much in my opinion. While I could stay there for a longer period, it would compromise too many of the plans I've made to come back here. It's time to move on- from that company and situation to setting the foundations for the present.

That money, the comfort that it brings, if that was all it would be just a worrisome, but trifling, issue! No, the fact is I find myself looking forward to being out there again, in the midst of the chaos. Despite the fact that I really didn't get to rest much this leave, spending it constantly on the go... I went skydiving, scuba-diving, exercising, and of course drinking; these are just a few of the hobbies with which I try to fill the hole made in my life by leaving the crazy, but oh so real, world of the active combat zone. Admittedly a poor subsitute. But that urge must have an element of the Freudian thanatological impulse that seems to be a part of the adrenaline junkie's ambition.

Just like many of my peers, I want to etch my future career path, settle in a new place, see friends and family, etc.... This will have to be modified slightly- my idyllic jaunt as an intern will have to adjust itself to the need to continue the cash flow- by either not happening, or being abridged. I might not be able to work on Capitol Hill and have to continue my security stuff. But my life will be a long one, this financial train wreck a mere roadbump that, with perspective allaying my present disappointment, should be considered a very minor issue. Ultimately, I'm not worse off.

So I continue down the path of the warrior, imperfectly trying to address these concerns resolutely, in a way to minimize the minor regrets I carry along the way.

2 Comments:

  • If I'm not mistaken, the whole "make decisions without regret" thing is meant to help the mind avoid fear and indecision. The virtue of avoiding fear is self-evident, but indecision not so much. Most people think that indecision is the inability to make a decision, but the way it functions in the mind would be better described as redecision: you actually make the same decision over and over again, never abiding by the outcome. It paralyzes through sheer mental exhaustion.

    I like your blog. If you continue to write it, I for one will continue to read it =8^]

    yours/
    peter.

    By Anonymous peter jackson, at 11:09 PM  

  • That's an interesting way of putting it. Makes a lot of sense too. Appreciate your comment- and nice site by the way.

    By Blogger sunguh5307, at 5:57 PM  

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